Now that my kids have completed autumn parent-teacher conferences, I can’t help but marvel at how much of their lives are measured, tested, evaluated, and commented-upon. How would I hold up under that level of scrutiny in the School of Life?
ADULT REPORT CARD
NAME: Scott Martin
DISTRICT: Savage Minnesota Adult (Remedial)
Home Economics: C-
While Scott can cook, he falters when recipes have more than two steps. Lacks creativity. Children sometimes rely on him for sustenance. Not sure this is a good idea.
Driver’s Education: C
Scott shows a rudimentary understanding of road rules, but uses hand gestures too often to communicate with other drivers. Doesn’t understand car technology developed after 1993. Can’t work “the Bluetooth.”
Public Speaking: C+
When Scott speaks, people have a difficult time following his fragmented logic. Pulled out a C+ because he is learning to speak less often. Forgets punch lines to rudimentary jokes. Also: tells jokes.
Tries hard. Hurt himself last week trying to perform a simple subtraction problem in his head. Was sent to nurse’s office.
Geography and Map Reading: F-
Got lost on the way to the nurse’s office. Was recently seen examining the blank side of a map for directions. So dependent on his phone for guidance, the phone requested a transfer.
Sleep Studies: A+
Language Arts: D+
Normally a self-graded course, we made an exception for Mr. Martin. His self-assessment was just that delusional.
Physical Education: C
Shows up. Can’t run for more than 53 seconds without collapsing. Is prone to crying.
Scott’s family sabotaged the water heater to keep him from singing in the shower.
His failure to understand basic concepts is impeding his growth.
Special Topics – Humor: B+
Scott’s explanation of various bodily functions is hilariously wrong! Good for class morale.
OFFICE NOTE: The grades and comments for Health and Special Topics – Humor were accidentally switched. Please bear that in mind when reading Mr. Martin’s report card.