If Adults Received Report Cards

Now that my kids have completed autumn parent-teacher conferences, I can’t help but marvel at how much of their lives are measured, tested, evaluated, and commented-upon. How would I hold up under that level of scrutiny in the School of Life?


NAME: Scott Martin
DISTRICT: Savage Minnesota Adult (Remedial)

Home Economics: C-
While Scott can cook, he falters when recipes have more than two steps. Lacks creativity. Children sometimes rely on him for sustenance. Not sure this is a good idea.

Driver’s Education: C
Scott shows a rudimentary understanding of road rules, but uses hand gestures too often to communicate with other drivers. Doesn’t understand car technology developed after 1993. Can’t work “the Bluetooth.”

Public Speaking: C+
When Scott speaks, people have a difficult time following his fragmented logic. Pulled out a C+ because he is learning to speak less often. Forgets punch lines to rudimentary jokes. Also: tells jokes.

Mathematics: F
Tries hard. Hurt himself last week trying to perform a simple subtraction problem in his head. Was sent to nurse’s office.

Geography and Map Reading: F-
Got lost on the way to the nurse’s office. Was recently seen examining the blank side of a map for directions. So dependent on his phone for guidance, the phone requested a transfer.

Sleep Studies: A+
Good attitude.

Language Arts: D+
Normally a self-graded course, we made an exception for Mr. Martin. His self-assessment was just that delusional.

Physical Education: C
Shows up. Can’t run for more than 53 seconds without collapsing. Is prone to crying.

Music: Incomplete
Scott’s family sabotaged the water heater to keep him from singing in the shower.

Health: D+
His failure to understand basic concepts is impeding his growth.

Special Topics – Humor: B+
Scott’s explanation of various bodily functions is hilariously wrong! Good for class morale.

OFFICE NOTE: The grades and comments for Health and Special Topics – Humor were accidentally switched. Please bear that in mind when reading Mr. Martin’s report card.

3 thoughts on “If Adults Received Report Cards

  1. You get an A+ in my book–for humor, language arts and public speaking. Can’t comment on the rest. However, I will also give you an A+, five gold stars and a gumball for the neatness of your work area and your positive attitude.

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